Que Sarah, Sarah

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Mailin’ It In


There's a lot going on in the world of Sarah Spain right now. I won't bore you with details, I'll just say that my brain (not to mention my time) is so full of *stuff* that writing intelligent, cogent commentary about the Bears/Eagles game is proving difficult. Instead of trying to force organized prose out of a disorganized mind, I will instead mirror my brain's clutter with a post in the form of a sort of stream of consciousness rant. What follows is a pieced-together look at the notes I took down while watching the game. I apologize in advance.

1st Quarter:
Bears look pumped. This is a make-or-break game and Philly's a hard team to read. Their inconsistency this season reminds me of a certain QB, in a certain city, with a certain nickname beginning with Sexy. Hmm…Brian Griese kind of looks like Dennis Quaid. I think it's in the eyes and the bone structure. Donovan McNabb is looking a little "hippy" – must not be getting as much cardio in with that reconstructed knee. Oh look, they aren't kicking to Hester. What a surprise. First Bears drive and wow, Cedric Benson is disappointing. Wonder if Brian Westbrook does private running back tutoring sessions. I imagine his hourly rate would be pretty high, but the Bears might want to think about hiring him in the offseason to help Ceddy out. Or maybe they could just use that money to buy a real RB instead. Decent Eagles drive, glad they only got a field goal outta that. 3-0 Philly. Quarter's over already and the Bears have seen about 3 minutes of action on offense. Not a good way to start this one…

2nd Quarter:
Griese to Olsen. I'm lovin' this combo. With his injury behind him Olsen is finally showing Chicago fans the speed and athleticism everyone was talking about in training camp. He should be able to create some huge mismatches. Griese to Clark. The announcers are really harping on the conspicuously absent Bears' wide receivers. Our offense is killing fantasy owners. Can't count on much from anyone, just a little bit from everyone. Thankfully, spreading it around is just fine with those of us that still care more about our actual team than we do our fantasy players. Oh geez. Robbie "good as" Gould missing a 39 yard-er is all we need. Gould and Hester are our constants. The way our offense looks today we're gonna need all the field goals we can get. Camera pans to a cheerleader during the break. Creepy camera guy tells her "one of the guys in the truck thinks you have great eyes." Funny, 'cause his camera certainly isn't focused on her eyes. Sometimes I'd rather not watch these games at work (I get a live feed, no commercials). I just don't need to hear Al Michaels singing along to the background jams and Madden asking for a sandwich. I feel like I'm intruding on a private man-to-man talk. On the other hand, they've got some great things to say about replays before they analyze them live. Back to the cheerleader. She does have quite nice eyes, but why in the world do the Eagles cheerleaders have pink pom-poms? Last I checked magenta wasn't one of Philly's colors. Still better than the "jorts" and ripped heavy metal tees the Jacksonville gals wear sometimes. Just 'cause your fans are white trash doesn't mean you have to dress down to them. You don't see Packer cheerleaders gaining 40 pounds and refusing to wax their mustaches now, do you? Oh, this doesn't look good. Another patient, methodical drive by the Iggles. Thank god their red zone offense is pathetic. 6-0 on another Akers field goal. It's amazing how different a return looks when Rashied Davis is the one with the ball, not Hester. Nothin' doin'. He used to do alright…must've gotten rusty watching Hester from the sidelines. Griese to Moose! Oh Moose, you've been missed. Man are you slow though. That run looked like a DB on a pick-six. Great catch though. 44 yard gain and the Bears are in business. Up the sideline to Hester but he can't make the grab. As the announcers point out, if Griese had thrown that pass earlier it would have been an easy 6. Hester's first step is gonna burn any cover guy, the pass just has to get there before he runs out of field. Enough about the birds, guys. Yeah, Eagles=birds, got it. Wow. What a play by Griese. Sheldon Brown comes at him untouched and he brushes him right off and hits Olsen right side. I've got a feeling Sexy Rexy would've overreacted to that pressure and thrown it away. Moose again. Look at that announcers! Big plays from our wide receivers. Unfortunately, more red zone futility. We have to settle for another field goal attempt. 31 yarder…It's up, It's Gould! There we go. At least we're on the board. 6-3. Man, we cannot stop the run at its inception. Our front line has been getting consistently burned by RBs for weeks. It looks like it's about bad angles—you gotta hope it's not about heart. Another Philly field goal. Now this is great football…snoooore. 9-3 Eagles. We can't stop a drive to save our lives but Philly can't score a TD to save theirs so it's a 6 point game. The announcers have it right again...we're play calling like we have our old defense. The Bears aren't gonna win games by putting up a TD or two anymore. We need to air it out and puts some points up to give our D a break.

3rd Quarter:
More mobility from the old man. Griese avoids Lito Shepherd and hits AP for a big 1st down. Now to McKie from the 3 yard line…he's…not in. Damn. Replay shows that Berrian pussed out on a block. I wonder if there are a lot of plays like that. Bears laziness that the average viewer doesn't catch onto but that costs us games. We're so gonna score on this one anyway. At the 1 yard line? We've got this in the bag. Oh snap. Literally. Kreutz and Griese treat us to the Grossman preseason special. Snap fumbled, Bears recover and have to settle for another field goal. 9-6 Eagles. Another Westbrook 1st down with Charles "Peanut" Tillman and Hunter "I look like a prep school lax player on 'roids" Hillenmeyer BOTH right there. It doesn't seem possible that these are the same players as last year. No fundamentals. Are we trying to strip first, tackle second? Why can't we get this guys down? More importantly, what is going on with the back of Nick Runyan's neck? Every time they cut to a tight shot of the Eagles huddle the viewer is subjected to an up-close view of Runyan's ape-like, sweat-drenched neck hair. Ugh. Thank goodness McFlabb couldn't connect on those last two passes. Eagles punt…we're still in this. This looks like another nice methodical drive by Griese and the offense.

4th Quarter:
Gould hits again. What an utterly boring tie game. 9-9. Yes! Two big sacks by Tommie. A huge stop for our D. 3-and-out for the Eagles and we've got a chance to take the lead. Holy Benson big gain. Haven't seen him pick up more than 10 in a coon's age. What the…no!!!!!!!! Bad snap…fumble recovery for TD…wait, wait…it's coming back. Ed Hochuli, the Brian Urlacher of the referee world, tells us "the ball was snapped beyond a quarterback under center, so it's a 5 yard false start penalty on the offense." Has anyone ever heard of that rule? Greatest rule in the book, says me. Another field goal. I loooooove Gould. 45 yarder. Bears up 12-9. This is a real barn burner. Dammit. I don't care what Kevin Curtis scored on the Wunderlich test, just stop him. 23 yard gain. Eagles rolling. Oh man, touchdown Matt Schobel. Here comes Madden again: "Like I said, whichever team scores a touchdown is gonna win it." Well shit. 16-12 Philly. All hope is not lost, though. Yeah, we haven't found the end zone all day but Griese and the offense have been clutch the last couple weeks, getting it done late in games. Big drive, on it's way. Hmm, incomplete, penalty, incomplete, sack. That probably won't work. Here's the test. The D has been decent all day—no big plays or Purple Jesus-like performances. Now's when it counts. 4 minutes on the clock and we need a stop and the ball. What in the holy hell? We just let fatty McEagleston with a bum knee and the weight of that huge chip on his shoulder RUN it for the 1st down? That is plain embarrassing. Nice, key stop by Archuleta, putting a body on McDrab. Still not sold on Archie, seeing how many big plays he's given up this season, but at least he pushed 'em back to 2nd and 13 on this one. "There's a flag!" "Where?" "On the field" "…Oh" Still don't understand it, but I'm quoting Soldier Field's finest. Big Philly penalty and they're punting. Holy crap that was a great punt. Damnit. Okay. A 2 minute drill starting at our 3 with the game on the line. If the last few games are any indication, now's the time for Griese Does It to shine. Bears have no timeouts (those couple miscommunications between Hester and Moose, etc. are coming back to haunt us). Griese to Clark. Nice. Griese to Orange Jesus (alright, alright, OUR Adrian Peterson isn't exactly a savior, but damn that was a key 9 yards). Griese to Hester. There ya go, kid. I can't believe this is happening. 25-yarder to Berrian and we're in Eagles territory. Our offense is a well-oiled machine. Our offense is a couple of lovers in the throes of passionate, rhythmic lovemaking. Our offense is an assembly line of 1st down production. Our offense is the sound of a thousand angels singing in unison. Our offense is several more cliches and a maxim or two. Half a minute to play. Super Hester for 21 yards! It's great that he's starting to find his way on offense. It's not just about the go route anymore. Hester's gonna be making big time plays all the time now that he's getting the playbook down. Holy Halas! Griese's done it again! Griese to Moose…this touchdown is brought to you by the AARP. Moose may be old but he's still got the fire in him. On a post route, gutsy call, gutsy throw, gutsy catch. Bears up 19-16. I love these guys. If I were a man, my pants would have just gotten tighter. Wow, everyone at work is staring at me. I blacked out there for a minute. Ah, I see. Apparently I just jumped out of my chair and did several awkward, near-groin-pulling aerial spins whilst squealing. Thank god I work in sports. That display would have been far more obtrusive at say, a proctologist's office. It's just Griese, man. He's thrown for 463 yards and five touchdowns in the fourth quarter this season (103.4 passer rating). Heck yes. Lovie and the boys said they wanted to treat this like a playoff game and they got the win. 3-4 ain't great and the game wasn't pretty, but we're still in this thing. Meanwhile, the Eagles go down in a fiery blaze. Poor Donovan. Another loss. And people are gonna be so much harder on him than they would any other QB with a losing record. I mean, no one picks on Marc Bulger. Or Carson Palmer. Cheer up, Donovan. Your city has just been honored - http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20071019_Hey__Were_not_just_fat_-_were_ugly__too.html


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