Que Sarah, Sarah

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Playoff Picks, get ’em while they’re hot...

2007-2008 NFL PLAYOFF PICKS

Here's how I think you should place your bets...you can thank me later with hugs and money. Click here to see the picks of the other Sports Bank writers... http://www.thesportsbank.net/nflplayoffs.html


AFC Wild Card Round Jan. 5th-6th

-Jacksonville Jaguars @ Pittsburgh Steelers Sat. 8PM NBC

*Before Sunday's loss to the Texans (which featured mostly back-ups) the Jags had won three straight, including a 29-22 victory over the Steelers at Heinz Field. They've got confidence, swagger and hype on their side. However, if the grounds crew at Heinz can turn the field into the quagmire it was for the Monday Night game with Miami, the Jags run game could get stuck in the mud. If the weather is decent, the Jaguars will live up to the hype. The two-headed monster of Taylor and Jones-Drew will beat Big Ben and co. by 6.


-Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers. Sun 4:30 CBS

*The Chargers are stronger than the Titans in every phase of the game and, without a "blame Marty" excuse to fall back on, they'll finally sack up and get a playoff win. Vince Young left last Sunday's game with a flat tire and Albert Haynesworth is still not 100%. Now that San Diego's accepted the (correct) all-LT, all-the-time approach, they're back to their winning ways. Philip Rivers will do just enough, Darren Sproles and Antonio Cromartie will make some big-time highlight reel plays, and the Chargers will cruise to a 13 point victory.


NFC Wild Card Round Jan 5th-6th

-Washington Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks. Sat. 4:30 NBC

*The Redskins are riding a 4-game win streak, but they just don't have the talent to win this one. The Seahawks have flown under the radar all season, playing a soft schedule and providing few "did you see that?" moments. Neither of these teams has a chance to win the NFC, but Hasselbeck and his receivers have used consistency to get 10 wins, while the Redskins have needed a bit of luck to make it this far. Seahawks will put enough points on the board to win this one by 10.


-New York Giants @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Sun. 1pm FOX

*The Giants' risky decision to play their starters against the Patriots turned out to be a good one. They didn't get the win but I think Elisha Manning's balls may have finally dropped—he actually looked like a man in charge of his team on Saturday. While I won't be surprised if Manning falls apart in the playoffs, the Giants giant D will give their QB some room for error. Jeff Garcia will take a beating and the Giants' run game will propel them to a 3 point win. The good news for Garcia? This is who will be comforting him after the loss.


AFC Divisional Round Jan 12-13th

*Jaguars run game can't keep up with Patriots air attack. Brady reaches an as-yet-unparalleled level of hotness rocking a new pageboy cap in his post game interviews. Patriots 38, Jaguars 23

*Fetushead Manning leads his pack of ponies past the honorable LT and his Superchargers. After the game San Diego fans will be left wondering how a guy that wears "mom jeans" can be so athletic. Tony Dungy dedicates the win and his game paycheck to a variety of anti-gay charities. What a class act. Ponies 32, Chargers 17


NFC Divisional Round Jan 12-13th

*After a week of sushi dinners and movie theatre hand-holding with Jessica Simpson, Romo hits the field feeling like a new man. The Giants defense stops the run but doesn't have an answer for TO. Elisha Manning throws 3 picks, proving for the 500th time this season that he is, in fact, Stoppable. The irony isn't lost on Citizen Watches; they dump him and sign Donovan McNabb as their new spokesman. Oops. In the 3rd quarter someone kindly informs Jessica that the Cowboys' colors are blue and silver, NOT pink, and that women who wear pink jerseys should be taken out back and shot. She quickly changes into a blue sequined 9 bustier and wills her man to victory with a wink and a shake. Cowboys make it three in a row against the Giants, 30-21.


*The Packers dominate the Seahawks in a classic Favre 4-touchdown performance. Hasselbeck breaks down in the 4th quarter, throwing picks as he frantically tries to get his team back in it. Cheeseheads everywhere groan collectively when Favre pulls up lame trying to carry Donald Driver AND Greg Jennings on either shoulder, but after some ice the old man is good as new. Unfortunately for America, Packer fans skip work and school Monday to celebrate at Old Country Buffet, thereby worsening the country's growing obesity problem (not to mention Wisconsin's struggle with illiteracy). Packers 37, Seahawks 13


AFC Title Game Jan 20th

*Mom Jeans Manning looks old and tired next to Beautiful Brady. Randy Moss runs the Indy defense all over the field making Wes Welker the open man all day. Addai will get his carries and yards but the Pats D will get some big red zone stops and force Indy to settle for field goals. Bill Belichick will crack a genuine smile in the game's closing minutes and somewhere a pig will grow his wings. Meanwhile, Tony Dungy catches a glimpse of a towel-clad Brady after the loss and suddenly re-thinks his stance on gay marriage. Brady, in an effort to "pretty up" the team for the media-saturated Super Bowl trip, buys his coach a brand new sweatshirt with full-length sleeves and gives Moss his very own pageboy cap. Neither of the garments makes the trip to Arizona. Pats 30, Colts 27


NFC Title Game Jan 20th

*Packers by 9. The media can't get enough of this one. In the week before the game Romo uses the word "neat" 162 times in interviews and TO guarantees at least three "excessive celebration" penalties…er, touchdowns. Tony Kornheiser's Favre slurp-fest causes fans to wonder if the Packers QB can play well with a balding journalist wrapped around one leg. The game doesn't disappoint. In an attempt to live up to his much-hyped, legendary status, Favre throws actual gold footballs using a prostethic arm made of diamonds. Romo is up for the challenge but in the end the mentor wants it more than the student. Fudge Packers send Romo packing—most likely on a romantic getaway with Jessica Simpson…and her father.


SUPER BOWL XLII Feb. 3rd

*Patriots beat the Packers 37-21. Mercury Morris and the rest of the bragadocious, delusional ass-hats on the '72 Dolphins find themselves with an unopened magnum of Dom and a sudden feeling that their lives no longer have worth. Brady solidifies his status as the most envied man in America, Favre begins his annual retirement dance and Bostonians alienate every other human on the planet with their excessive boasting and conspicuous misuse of consonants. "Wicked! Supuh Bowl champs! Weah so much bettuh dan you, you have no idear." The Chicago Bears and the whole of Chicago take note of the Patriots historic run and put in on their "to do" calendars for 2008.

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