I believe it was the great poet and social commentator Axl Rose who said of love: "All we need is just a little patience." The thing is, I don't think Axl's life has required too much patience. I mean, sure, now that's he's getting older and has white-man corn rows he may need to put a little more effort into getting some 'nani, but Axl ain't sitting at home on a Saturday night wondering how long it’ll be ‘til his next lay. I suppose ever since things went sour with Stephanie Seymour in the ‘80s he may be patiently waiting for his next supermodel bride, but something tells me Axl’s happy to be single and making a comeback. This whole concept of being patient in love isn’t unique to Axl, anyway—there are a dozen cliches that preach a similar idea…”everything happens for a reason”…”it’ll happen when you least expect it”…”you can’t hurry love, oh you just have to wait.” The problem with this approach is that everyone in LA seems to be perpetually waiting.
It’s the “LA syndrome.” You know, that fear Angelenos have of settling down because there's always the chance that someone hotter and richer and more famous could be waiting around the corner. Careers take lifetimes to take take off (or people take lifetimes to accept that their careers never will take off) so marriage and kids and a house and a "normal" life have to wait. Men need to have their careers and their money matters in order before they feel as though they can get married. In the meantime, every woman they date gets older and loses her luster as fast as a mid-season pilot starring that guy who used to be on “Head of the Class.” New pilot season...new relationship. Meanwhile, women in LA want to stay young and beautiful so they can reap the benefits of a city that’s full of free rides. They’re always looking for the next guy to take them to a hot party, introduce them to a big director or give them a discount on their next botox session. So why is it that everyone I know says they're ready for something real? Everyone says that they're looking for someone who doesn't want to play games--someone who isn't "LA." If all these men and women are saying the same thing, why can't they find each other? 'Cause most people are full of shit, that's why.
That guy you know who says he wants a relationship can't really open up and give himself to someone else until he decides who HE is...and by that I mean, if he gets that movie his stock will go up and so will the quality of his sexual partners. Why settle now? He could be the next "it" guy. Besides, he’s already decided that he can’t settle down until he hits 35. Not 34. Not 36. 35 on the nose. He’s decided that by then he’ll have gotten all the necessary threesomes, random sex and meaningless flings out of his system. Sadly for him, by the time he hits 30 he may be balding, pot-bellied, and wishing he’d stuck with that gorgeous, amazing, devoted girlfriend he had in his 20’s. Meanwhile, that girl who talks your ear off about wanting to find a nice guy to really connect with is full of shit, too. She just wants to find someone to commit to her so she can have consistent sex without feeling guilty or adding to her “numbers.” Give her a few drinks and introduce her to the newest draftee for the Lakers and watch how quickly she forgets that "boyfriend" she's got whipped waiting for her back home.
Of course, there’s the occasional singleton who really wants to treat someone right, to find that special someone, to settle down and be truly, happily in love. Sadly, most of those people try so goddam hard to prove that to everyone, they scare people away on the first date. “How many kids do you want?” “Would you be against a hyphenated joint last name rather than a woman taking yours?” and “I really just want to find a woman exactly like my mother” are not good openers. A lot of these people are about to hit their third year in LA, anyway, and they’ll be packing up and moving home in 2 months. Once there, they’ll remember what dating is like in a real city, they’ll meet “the one” and they’ll be on the phone to you announcing their upcoming wedding within the year.
Screw patience and screw Axl. I don’t buy it. I feel more like Charlotte from “Sex And The City,” who said "I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?"
I’m antsy, I’m cranky, and I’m tired of dating weirdos. I’m in no hurry to get married but it would be nice to meet a man that doesn’t have the emotional maturity level of a high schooler. Someone who would be perfectly happy to give up sex with strippers named Cinnamon if he could go home every night to someone who understands him. Someone who doesn’t need to spend the first 3 months of a relationship pretending to be a good guy only to admit he’s a cheater and a cad just as the feelings get deep. Or, if none of those scenarios is possible, someone who will introduce me to David LaChappelle, take me to a party at Luke Walton’s house, help me pay for my new tits, and agree to sleep with me for at least the next 3-4 months.