Que Sarah, Sarah

Thursday, August 30, 2007

D-Bags & Trolls

Last night a date and I went to see The Bourne Ultimatum. It was a 10pm show on a Monday night and we arrived early to an empty theatre. We settled into seats mid-way up the theatre and--both being quite tall--stretched our legs out on the seats in front of us. A few more people trickled in, but all in all there were only about 16 people in the theatre, mostly scattered about in the rows behind us. A few moments before the lights went dim, a couple sat one row in front of us, the guy choosing one seat to our right, his date one seat to his right. To clarify, in diagram form:

-------------------------random couple---------------------------
random couple--------------------------d-bag | troll-------------
------------------------------me | date--------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------random couple
random couple-----------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------random couple--------------------
-----------------------------------------------random couple------

Less than a minute later, the girl (a loose term for such a pinched wench) asked my date to remove his foot from on top of the seat in front of him. This monstrous pair who selected--out of literally dozens of open seats in the theatre--the seats directly diagonal to ours, were now requesting that we move for them. These repellant freaks chose their seats knowing full well that my date and I had our legs perched atop the seats next to them. Now one might question why these slimy assholes would select seats so close to ours when the theatre was nearly empty. One might also wonder why these foul jackasses thought they had the right to ask us to move when we had clearly been seated long before them. Perhaps our astounding good looks and shapely legs acted as magnets, subconsciously luring these wretched schlubs towards us. Maybe these mindless imbeciles feared loud noises and hoped to take solace in the company around them during particularly violent scenes. It's possible these unsightly pedophiles were entertaining the idea of a post-film discussion.

As it turns out, however, these putrid cretins were just "those people." We all know one or two, or many. Those people who are simply unaware of the world around them. The kind of woman that yells at a waiter for forgetting her side of acorn squash. That guy who calls his daughter's kindergarten teacher and any other woman under 45 "sweetie." Of course, these aren't offenses of great consequence. Still, I'm troubled trying to understand what is going through a person's head when they act that self-absorbed and grandiose. I told the pair of squalid lepers that there were tons of open seats, including those directly to their right. I noted that while they could painlessly move over one seat, we would move instead, just to prove how easy it was. Those who know me well will note that my actions were suprisingly mature and level-headed. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I didn't act in the usual stubborn, I-need-to-prove-my-point-to-these-jackoffs way. Perhaps I just wanted to relax and watch the movie.

Late last night, though, I was still a little troubled by the tiny incident. Not because I cared that much about moving one seat over--that's not the point. Sometimes I just can't wrap my head around the brain functions of certain people. True criminals and people with serious mental disorders aside, I like to think most humans are at least slightly similar. These two people seemed utterly average--not stereotypical "LA" types, not hoity-toity snobs, not even bratty teenagers. I just didn't understand their self-importance. I would never presume to ask someone to move after I'd encroached upon their area, especially if there were literally dozens of other places to sit. This is all just mindless venting and rambling, of course, but sometimes I truly marvel at the thought processes of others. If this happens again, I will demand that my date use the offending foot to physically relocate the gripers to a new seat. For while I'm against making inappropriate requests of strangers, I'm all for overreacting with needless violence.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did your date have popcorn? Was there a hole in the box?

8:15 PM  

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